"He is there. He is aware. And He understands..."

One of my biggest weaknesses is putting my emotions and anxieties into words. I always find myself so embarrassed and even guilty when I cannot explain to my husband who I know i s trying SO hard to understand and be there for me. This last week was the perfect example of this.

On Monday, right from the second I woke up, I felt like I was walking around with the heaviest chest. Nothing crazy was going on, but somehow my emotions and anxieties were making my body feel otherwise. I cleaned the house, did the laundry, walked the dog several times, tried watching all of my favorite shows and NOTHING seemed to help. (especially when Jack dies. #thisisus) In fact, it made me feel worse! Somehow, everything that I did, I brought myself deeper down. For example, when I cleaned the house, I got discouraged because it was never clean enough. When I did the laundry, I compared the difference of my clothes to the type of clothes I wish I had. When I took my dog out, I had anxiety about strangers walking by me, or talking to me (shout out to you, social anxiety) . Long story short, my anxiety, fear, and weaknesses all attacked me no matter what I tried doing to distract myself!

So there I was, sitting on the couch in tears. So confused on why I was feeling the way I was, and why this happened so often. I then felt even worse, because I was becoming angry with myself. Feeling crazy. But then, I realized something. Although I thought I had tried everything, I most certainly did not! I tried the "easiest" distractions. However, I didn't think ONCE about turning to Christ. I tend to talk to Heavenly Father more often when I am angry, and they aren't usually conversations. I say this because I use my time yelling and being angry with Him, instead of waiting for an answer, or even a simple feeling of love.

So, I said a prayer. I asked for help, guidance, and understanding of the way I was feeling so that I could explain them to my husband, or at least understand them myself. The prayer turned into a conversation. I opened myself up to the Spirit and because of that, I knew I was not alone, and even better...that I was being listened to. After my prayer, I got out the scriptures, and read.

No, my day was not magically better. And yes, I still have the day to day struggles that mental illness or even trials in general bring. However, it was a WHOLE lot easier knowing that someone was and always is by my side throughout every second of my life. Not just that, but that they are aware of not just how I am feeling, but where those emotions are coming from. It feels great knowing that when I do not feel I am getting everything I need after a prayer (it can happen) , that there are still other ways to connect and receive answers from God. We were not just given prayer, or just given the scriptures, or just given the sacrament. We were given ALL of these tools to use, both individually and together! My prayer comforted me, but the scriptures gave me a peace and mind to get me through the week.

I started the Book of Mormon this week, and I plan to read every day. Because I learned that even though reading won't solve my problems completely, it most definitely will help me get through those days much easier than before.

You guys, God listens to you! He loves you, He is aware of you and EVERY moment of your life. But it gets better! HE UNDERSTANDS! So if you are like me, and feel like no one understands, including yourself. Turn to someone, ESPECIALLY your Father in Heaven. He desires to hear from you and to give you the love, comfort, and answers that you need. May we remember the many different ways of communication so that we can learn the amazing blessings this Gospel has in store for us.

Your Father in Heaven loves you so much, and wants to help. I challenge you to have a conversation with Him and use several different tools to find the answers, comfort, and love that you will see.