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Calling Out
In the beginning of my freshman year of High School, I was diagnosed with depression. It has grown as the years have passed and unfortunately, with that time, I also developed extreme anxiety. Although there are many people who get overwhelmed easily or people who are feeling down because of their current circumstances, what those with mental illness experience is much different. I do want to express, however, that those emotions being felt even without mental illness are still important to take care of and something that should be taken care of just as much as a diagnosed illness.
I wanted to write this post to express the importance of taking care of your mental health.
As I was thinking of a way to explain the importance of treating your mental health, I thought of something a little easier to understand. Taking care of your mental health is actually very similar to taking care of a cold, or even a broken bone. To treat these, you take the medicine that is necessary to assist with any pain or to allow the healing process to begin. With a broken bone, you change the bandages to prevent any sort of infection, and most times, begin therapy so that you can become strong again. With both, you may need to call out of work or miss school for a few days to recover.
I never really expressed the way my illness affects my every day life, but this weekend was impossible to ignore or move past. I actually found myself angry with my husband and everyone around me. This is something that I tend to do when trying to push away the negative feelings, I push others away in the process. So, I got into my car, and drove. I did not tell anyone where I was going, and I was not planning on coming back. This is the part about depression and anxiety that no one really gets. You can be completely okay one moment, but absolutely lost the next. It can be scary sometimes, and when I get scared or overwhelmed, I run. But this night, I was filled with so much anxiety and sadness, that I was not sure if I would actually return home this time.
Thankfully, I finally returned home at 3am, my dad and husband were up worried sick. I have been through these (for lack of better term) "episodes" many times before...But this time was different. I realized that the anxiety and depression struck more and more each time I would push it to the side. I realized that I needed a break. Because if I was not going to take time to take care of myself, these outbursts would become more and more serious, and I do not want to know where I would end up if it continued. So there I was, now 4 in the morning, sending an email to my supervisor. Before, with other jobs, I would force myself to work through the pain and when I was pushed to the point of needing a day off, I would lie, saying I was sick, or had some sort of emergency I needed to tend to. But this time, I had my husband by my side, helping me be honest with what I was really facing, and explaining that it was necessary to take a few days off. This was the first time I was honest with what was really holding me back, and although I knew there was a possibility of judgment or disapproval, It did not matter.
You guys, I want you to know that it is okay, and I truly believe NECESSARY to take the time to heal when you find that your illness is being overbearing. Although it is easy to worry about the opinions or response from others, do your best to ignore those worries. Remind yourself that this is what is BEST for you.
Think back to my last example about treating your mental illness like a cold or broken bone. If you were to look up valid reasons to call out or work, you would see somewhere on top of the list saying that if it were to effect your performance or ability to work 100%, that it is necessary to call out. Well, look at the way your mental illness is treating you. I was out until 3am, shaking, tired, depressed, and at a point where I was scaring myself and my loved ones. There was absolutely no way I would be able to show up to work and work up to my full potential. So, I did what was best, and I was honest. I wrote my supervisor and said something along the lines of me struggling with some personal issues pertaining to mental illness. I stated that I needed a few days for recovery and that when I returned to work, that everything would be okay. I apologized for the inconvenience, but that I needed to take care of my mental health first. I was honest, I put myself first, and it was what needed to happen. It was scary to do, but while on my second day of focusing on myself, I can honestly say it was one of the best decisions I have made lately.
Taking time for myself these past few days was one of the best decisions. Although I will never be 100% healed from this depression and anxiety, I was able to recover for the time being, face the problem head on, be honest about what I was really feeling, and I was able to prepare for the rest of the week. I am so thankful for the family that I have around me and for the supportive, and extremely loving husband that I have with me. He didn't need to, but he spent these past few days by my side, working from home, supporting me and helping me with anything I needed. No, my mental illness will never fully recover, but I was able to allow recovery to begin and allowed myself to take the time I needed, to be okay.
I want you to understand that there are people out there, and especially some pretty harsh bosses that will try to intimidate you to make it through anything. But the reality of these things are that there is never going to be something more important than taking care of yourself. Because over time, if you decide to "push through" and force yourself to ignore the awful feelings you are holding inside, there will be a day where you find yourself 30 miles from home, lost. Not knowing where to go, who to talk to, or what to do. And as scary, sad, and harsh it is to say it, there are people out there who have pushed those feelings to the side so many times, that their only escape was to completely give up and take their own life.. PLEASE, when you find yourself so tired and overwhelmed, find someone to speak to, take the time and steps necessary to heal.
Your physical, spiritual, and mental health are ALL important. Take care of yourself, even if it means staying home to give yourself the recovery you need. Put yourself FIRST.
