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Me Too.
Actress Alyssa Milano tweeted "If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote "Me too" as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem." "If you've been sexually harassed or assaulted write 'me too' as a reply to this tweet,"
I have been going back and forth with writing this very personal post, but after seeing all of the social media posts with those two words, I felt that it is important to say something and do my best to share my own experience to allow others to know that they are not alone, and that there are hundreds if not thousands of us (boys AND girls) who have been through this.
I will not go too much into depth about my own experience, but I will say that in my situation it was someone that I should have felt safe with. It was with someone I knew for years. He was decades older than me. And just when you think it couldn’t get any worse, this "man" was my best friend’s father....
I still remember every second of that night. I was at my best friend's house, having a sleepover. We ordered food and jammed out to music in the kitchen. We caught up on each other's lives, because we were both working and hadn't seen each other in weeks. I remember us talking about our boy problems and the latest gossip about people we went to school with. We joked around so much, that we had at least one new inside joke every time we hung out. Needless to say, there was never a dull moment when we were together. Unfortunately, that all changed in the matter of a few hours.
It has never left me. I remember him blaming me for the thoughts he had in his head…all because my shirt was low. I remember texting and calling the boy I was dating at the time to hurry up and come get me after everything happened. I remember my friend being asleep, unaware of what had just happened while I was huddled, shaking in the corner. I didn't go home at all that weekend. I couldn't tell my parents what had happened to me. I felt ashamed, and I felt guilty. I allowed myself to believe it was my fault. I didn’t tell my family for years, I allowed myself to go through this alone.
One of the biggest things I struggled with was that the person who did this to me was not guilty, hurting, or even apologetic. I wanted an apology, I wanted to hear that he knew it was wrong. I consumed my life with anger and frustration, knowing that I would never hear those words. I was angry with my best friend for still loving her father, and being able to forgive him. So I pushed her away... I began doing other things and getting into bad habits to help me forget. From self-harm to drinking, I put everything in front of that memory as I possibly could, even if it were also hurting me. I did this for years, not allowing myself to talk about what had happened to me. I tried moving on through life in complete denial that anything had happened to me. It was impossible. "But why didn't you...."
It is only when you go through something so traumatic to understand that it is not as easy as you think. When you are in a state of shock, your mind is blank. And when it isn't blank, you are running and rerunning through everything that happened to you. Trying to come up with a good explanation of how everything came about but only being able to come up with reasons it was your fault. That is something that I find so heart shattering to know that there are so many of us that have stayed silent for so long simply because we live in a world where the first question asked is "what did you do about it?" and if the answer is nothing, then it is instantly our fault.
I was scared of what people would think. I was scared that other people would judge me for waiting so long to say something. I didn’t want to talk about it, because I was scared of how much attention it would bring. I didn’t want to go back and accept that what I have been spending so much time on denying, actually happened.
It was when I finally spoke up to my now husband, that I was finally able to take a step forward towards recovery. When we were dating we spoke about some of the trials in our lives and somehow, the topic came up. It was his response that changed everything. He didn’t ask more questions about what happened or even what I did about it. He asked how I am doing now, and that he is sorry that had happened to me. One person. That is all it took. One person willing to listen, and hear me out. One person who cared more about how I was doing, rather than what my actions were right after the problem. After opening up, I allowed myself to be more vocal with not what only what happened, but about my feelings. Not the denial, the real, raw feelings about what happened to me. Now, this did not completely allow me to heal, as I am still continuing the path of recovery, but I am trying to get the point across that all it took was ONE PERSON who was willing to listen, who genuinely cared, and reacted with something other than wanting more details and answers on my reaction. Do not get me wrong, those answers are important, but give that time. Care for the victim first, and look for the details once you realize they are READY to open up. Be patient, and allow them to understand that you are there for them.
If you have been a victim of sexual assault or harassment, I want you to know that there is NEVER a situation where there is validation. It is not your fault. Do not spend your time looking for an apology to accept, instead spend your time accepting that something happened to you and that it was WRONG. Understand that there are people around you who care. If you are too scared to speak to someone close to you (like me) , there are numbers that you can contact to turn to. As hard as it is, SPEAK UP. No matter how late it has been, it is still important to speak about it to allow yourself to move forward. Please know that no matter how long it can take, that you will be able to find happiness again, you will trust again, and you will see that there are still good people in this world.
I still have flash backs, I still have dreams. I am still healing. But I found happiness, I found an amazing man who loves me and makes me feel safe. I went back to church, and found God. I allowed him to comfort me and help me understand that trials are meant to make us stronger and that God will never put us through something we cannot handle. I am here to tell you that I understand. I understand the embarrassment, the self-blaming, and guilt that comes with being sexually assaulted. I know that it is not something easy to speak about, no matter how much time has passed by. But I promise you that if you are unable to speak to someone close to you, or you do not want to turn to a hotline, that I am here. Believe me, I understand, I will listen, and I will use the best of my ability to step up and help you. Whatever you need. I want you to know that there is still hope out there. And as painful as it is to say, there are some situations like mine where the disgusting pervert gets away with it, but do not allow that to hold you back. Understand that you were hurt, but it is possible to move forward.
You are not alone.
Me Too.
